The car stood parked at the edge, fusing with the silent darkness that engulfed the hillside. From where they were parked they could see the entire city sprawling before them; thousands of lights scattered across the dark landscape, mimicking the sky above. The stars twinkled overhead, visible in the bare night sky. But they took no heed of the world around them. They were embroiled within their own lives; their shouting reverberating across the serenity of the hillside. He was shouting at her but she was not listening; her arms crossed and staring out the passenger-side window.
“You never understand!” Asad shouted. “You are so involved in whatever you want that you never realize what I want!”
“It’s all about you, isn’t it?! Why don’t you piss off!” Aliyah retorted.
Frustrated, he turned the ignition and forced the car back to life. He reversed the car and sped down the hill. His insides were burning but he knew he had already lost the conversation. He vented by swerving recklessly around every corner. At first Aliyah was saying nothing, but her hand crept up to grasp the handle above the window. Soon she had forgotten her own rage and was imploring Asad to slow down.
Asad glanced at her and then began to slow down. The last thing he wanted was to hurt her. He smiled at her… and she smiled back. Then the car was soaring in midair, the road swept away from under it and it was hurtling towards the bottom, far below. He could hear her screaming in the background. He could see the ground rushing towards the windshield. They were almost there…
The screaming wouldn’t stop. The ringing of the alarm clock was penetrating the deep recesses of his brain. His arm blindly groped for it on his bedside table… and then it was quiet. He could feel he was drenched in perspiration. Through his yet foggy vision, he tried to discern the time; it was 6.45am.
He rolled onto his back and stared at the blank ceiling above; the fan idly whirring around its focal point. He could feel her presence beside him. She was sleeping soundlessly, her face peaceful and calm, unknowing of what had just unfolded. Asad felt relieved yet there was some tantalizing feeling he just could not grasp. The dream had reminded him of a moment in their past and yet he could not recall it. He was wide awake now.
Pulling the sheets away, he got out of bed and walked into the bathroom. While brushing his teeth he looked up to see himself in the mirror. A young boy with pronounced cheekbones and an ashen look stared back at him, mouth all foamy with a toothbrush sticking from it. His eyes were droopy as if he were drugged. It was his own self when he used to be younger; a scrawny boy who was always mistaken for being a drug addict. Asad dropped the brush and the sound resonated as it clattered in the sink. He felt his face, tracing the sharp contours of his cheek and the hollow under his eyes. “Am I still dreaming?” he gasped.
He looked back up and it was gone. Everything was back to what it was supposed to be: the rugged look, the untidy hair after waking up, the usual morning blues. He looked somewhat like his dad. He freshened up and walked back into the room to find her awake in bed. He looked at her and smiled… she smiled back.
“Why are you up so early?” she asked lazily while stretching her arms. She noticed the solemn expression on his face and asked with concern, “What happened? Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, everything is fine. I just… I just had a weird dream.” He went up to her and pecked her on the cheek. She wrapped her arms around his neck and stared into his eyes.
“Since when did dreams start bothering you? Tell me what happened?” She kissed him and for a while he just stood there with her arms around his neck.
“There was an accident,” he started after she let go of him. “We were in a car. We were fighting. And then it just happened. It’s all so vague.” He massaged his brow, trying to relieve the anxiety that was developing.
“Look at me,” she said softly and clasped his head between her hands. “It was just a dream. Look! I’m completely fine. I’m not going anywhere. Please don’t worry.” She kissed his brow and hugged him. He clung onto her as a child does to a mother who is afraid he would get lost in the supermarket. He was still worried about the vision in the mirror but thought against sharing it with her. After all he had just woken up and was still a bit dazed from the shock. Her presence was calming… soothing. It reminded him of his mother when she used to calm him down after he used to wake up terrified at night due to the monsters haunting his sleep.
However, the anxiety crept back when he was going through the paper while having his routine decaf coffee. The news article read:
Car Crash Claims Life
From our Correspondent: A black Toyota, yesterday night, skidded off the road, on Hill Drive, into the ravine. There were two passengers in the car at the time, a boy and a girl. The boy has been identified as Asad Tahir, who is in critical condition. He is admitted at the National Institute of Health Services (NIHS), whereas the girl died on the spot. Her body is yet unidentified due to major injuries received.
Asad read the article again. The name of the boy was the same as his own; ‘a mere coincidence’, he thought. ‘But this is what happened in my dream. This doesn’t make any sense.’
“Alizah, come here! Look at this,” he said with a concerned look on his face. He handed her the paper as she sat down beside him on the kitchen table. Asad looked at her as she read the article. She looked at him pensively after she had read it.
“You think this is what happened in your dream?” she asked, although it was more of a matter-of-fact tone.
“Yes. I told you I was in that dream! Look! Even my name is there,” he pointed at the article hysterically.
Alizah remained quiet for a few minutes. She kept looking back and forth – at the article and then at him. He was perspiring, although a mild breeze was issuing through the open windows of the apartment. His eyes gazed at her searchingly, trying to make sense of everything. She held his hand and looked him in the eye, “Dear, you do not need to worry about this. It might as well be a coincidence that the names are the same. And as for you having the dream, it might as well be a coincidence too. Your brain must have made correlations from things you noticed last night. And maybe you are just confusing your dream now… maybe it was not like this at all.”
“No! I saw it happen! I saw them die. I died. It was me!” and as he said this hysterically he suddenly got up, making the chair fall behind him. Alizah quickly got up and held him firmly. “Asad, please try to calm down. You are alive. It was just a dream. They do not mean anything. Look at me! Look!”
Asad, who had been avoiding her stare and was squirming to free himself from her grasp, stopped and shyly returned her gaze. “I am real. You are real. This isn’t a dream... Come. Feel my heart.” She said this and guided his hand above her breast. He felt her heartbeat reverberate within his own body… he felt her life flow through his veins. A tear trickled down his cheek. She looked up at him and then kissed him gently.
“Now I hope you remember that we have to go over to Qasim and Hania’s place for lunch? They called us for the barbeque… remember?” she asked him cautiously.
“Oh right! That totally slipped my mind. Qasim would give me hell if I missed out on his cooking expertise,” he laughed halfheartedly, trying to lift his mood. He picked up the chair and then walked towards the open window that led out to the balcony. Leaning onto the railing, Asad surveyed the distance. It was still early and the roads were empty. The sky above was overcast but the sun still managed to pierce through the gaps between the clouds. Everything was in harmony. He closed his eyes and took a deep, calming breath, and imagined the harmony around him seeping into his life force.
“You know what is odd though,” he began when he came back inside, “It’s odd that I happened to stumble upon the article. I mean what are the chances that I would find it in the entire paper.” Alizah looked at him with reproach.
Laughingly, and as if he were justifying what he had just said, he continued, “I’m only saying that fate is queer. That’s all. Don’t look at me like that.”
*
He looked at her and smiled… she smiled back. Her eyes darted to the front and she screamed out loud, “LOOK OUT!!!” Asad turned his gaze to the road and noticed a cow standing in their path. He stomped on the brakes and the car began to skid. It came to an abrupt halt just inches from where the stubborn cow stood rooted. It stared at them through the windshield.
Asad honked at it but it would not budge. Cursing, he reversed the car and went round it and all the while it kept staring at them. He felt a sense of déjà vu; he had seen the white cow before. He stole a glance at Alizah: she was clutching the handle above the window in a tight grip and her face wore a tense expression.
“I’m sorry about that,” he said guiltily.
“Just keep your eyes on the road,” she replied tersely.
All the way to Qasim’s place, all he could think about was the cow. He knew he had seen it before. But he did not want to mention it to Alizah, lest she become more upset.
It started to rain as they neared Qasim’s place. As they drove onto the driveway, Qasim hailed them over from the patio. They met their lively hosts and sat down together. Asad gazed at the sprawling lawns that merged into the lake. A boat was docked to the small pier that jutted out into the water. The raindrops formed rings as they touched down on the lake surface. As the boat lobbed up and down along with the slightly turbulent water, it reminded him of a time when he had gone boating with her.
It had been raining then as well but he had insisted on going. Although he had been afraid of the water, since he did not know how to swim, he had something in mind. The boat lurched whenever it would go over a small swell in the water prompting him to cling onto the side of the boat for his life. She would laugh whenever this would happen and then hug him tightly. He would feel the warmth of her body and feel safe with her. He liked that feeling; it made him feel special. They stopped somewhere in the middle and then just sat there getting drenched in the rain.
“Do you know why I brought you here?” he asked her.
Rain trickled down her soft cheeks. Her dark eyes peered back at him through the rainy mist that was falling from above. “Why?” she asked tenderly.
Asad moved closer to her and then put his hand in his pocket.
“It is because I wanted to be alone with you for this moment. No one in the world… but you… and I… and our love. From the moment I saw you I knew that you were the one I wanted to be with. You were the one who would keep me going… want me to keep living… my reason to be… This is a token of my love for you… Will you marry me?” As he said this he pulled out a silver ring from his pocket, studded with a peridot; her birthstone.
She looked at the ring in his hand and then at him. He could notice the tears in her eyes even though the raindrops were trickling down her face. She nodded and held out her hand for him. Gently he placed the ring on her finger, and then locked his hand in hers. He moved closer to kiss the teary-eyed face.
“Well, that is a dreadful story. Are you still thinking about it, Asad?” Qasim asked inquisitively.
Asad snapped out of his memory. Tearing his vision away from the rocking boat he looked towards his host. “Thinking about what? The dream?” he asked apologetically.
“Alizah was just mentioning to us about the incident with the cow. Those darned things hog the road as if they own it. The most stubborn of creatures I have met on the road. Even more so than a Lahori in a traffic jam!”
Everyone laughed. Asad grinned forcedly.
“But tell us, what is this dream you mention? You seem lost. What is on your mind?” Qasim implored.
Asad looked around at his guests who were eagerly looking at him, perched precariously on the edge of their seats, as if ready to jump on to him. He then looked at Alizah, who was smiling and nodded in acquiescence to his questioning stare. He then told the eager couple about his dream and the newspaper article. As he related to them the bizarre anecdote, they stared at him intently, and would always in unison gasp or shudder or begin pondering over his words.
“A veridical dream,” Qasim commented.
“Yes. Certainly most interesting,” Hania quipped.
Asad looked around needily. He wanted answers. It was back on his mind now and neither of them was providing anything substantial for him to work on. He felt a sudden urge to dive into the lake. Qasim cleared his throat and leaned forward to address the gathering.
“There have been accounts of veridical dreams where the subject related an event that happened thousands of miles away from themselves. One instance is the collapse of the River Tay Bridge in 1879. A German boy saw it collapse in his dream a week before it actually happened. Of course he did not know what it was, and then again it could be inspired from anything from within his own vicinity. However the description he gave was uncannily similar to the actual event.
“You could consider them as harbingers – signs from God… if you believe in Him that is. Veridical dreams are not necessarily visions into the future or the present. They can also be of the past. Consider them as psychical links. But why such psychical links arise is not ascertained. Some psychics believe that these links arise due to intense emotional situations, like the death of a loved one. But then it’s all conjecture.” With that Qasim sat back into his chair, pushing his glasses back up.
Asad sank deep into thought, staring at the water dripping from the roof’s edge. It formed a fluid curtain that was distorting the view of the world behind it. His mind was likewise as muddled. He tried remembering what had happened the previous day but could not recall anything distinctly before the dream and his awakening. It was as if his life had begun at the point of the dream. He could remember his past; where he used to live, what high school he went to, where he saw her for the first time. But the immediate past was lost to recall.
“This dreary talk has surely left us all brooding. How about some nice hot chocolate? What do you guys think?” Hania began.
“That would be brilliant darling. I’ll come and help you out with it,” Qasim said. They both retreated into the kitchen adjoining the patio.
“Is everything alright dear?” Alizah asked Asad. She sat down next to him on the chair Qasim had just vacated.
“Yes. I’m good,” Asad lied. He put up a smile. “I’m just looking forward to the hot chocolate.”
*
‘So this is where it happened,’ he thought. He was at Hill Drive. The road was dry, even though it had rained a few hours earlier. ‘I guess it dried out,’ he rationalized to himself. It was twilight when they had gotten back home from the barbeque lunch. He had left Alizah back home on the pretext of meeting a colleague about some official matters. He hated lying to her but there would have been no other way she would have let him come out here. He looked around for the scene of the accident but there were no telling signs that one had occurred just the previous night. No skid marks. No broken barrier. No shards of broken glass or plastic. Everything was eerily in order.
He looked up and the sky was bare. The stars were shining down at him keenly. It reminded him of a time when they had sat underneath the starry sky, in his car. He was trying to recall what they had been up to but his trail of thought was interrupted by a loud noise. A car was roaring around the bend. It was black. As it cleared the bend where Asad was standing, it gradually began to slow down. As Asad looked on, he noticed a white cow standing on the road. The car was heading straight at it, as if the driver had not noticed it. Then a loud squeal issued as the foot finally slammed onto the brakes, making the tires skid on the road. The car swerved, barely missing the cow and then rammed through the barrier. Asad ran towards the edge as the car plummeted down the ravine. He could hear screaming in his head; a girl screaming. As he reached the edge, the car crunched into the ground below.
The screaming stopped. His hand was on the alarm. He peered groggily at the time; it was 6.45am. He pulled the covers and went to the bathroom. As he was brushing his teeth, he noticed his face looked livid. The brush dropped from his hand and it clattered as it hit the sink. He touched his face and felt stubble even though he had shaved the previous day. Staggering out of the bathroom he found Alizah up, lazily stretching her arms.
“Why are you up so early?” she asked him.
Asad felt an odd sense of déjà vu. But it was not exactly déjà vu. He had experienced this before; just the previous day… and even the day before that? He ran out to grab the newspaper and opened it to page six, where the article “Car crash claims life” was neatly placed on the left corner of the page. Asad dropped the newspaper and it fluttered as the cool breeze issued in from the open window. A storm was forming outside. Asad went back into the room, where Alizah was still lying in bed with an anxious look on her face.
“What happened? Is everything okay?”
“Have Qasim and Hania called us over to their place today? For a barbeque?” Asad asked hurriedly.
“Yes. I’m glad you remembered. But tell me, why are you so flustered? What happened in your dream?” she asked concernedly.
Asad looked at her curiously. “I never mentioned I had a dream. What makes you suppose that?”
“Oh. It’s just that you woke up and… I presumed that it was a dream that is bothering you…” But Asad had already started changing his clothes.
“Where are you going?” she asked crossly.
“To find some answers,” he said as he pulled on his shirt. “Listen. I’m sorry if my behavior is making you anxious but I need to do this. I am really confused right now and I don’t think you will understand me. So please, just trust me on this. I need to know what is going on.” As he said this he walked over to her and hugged her.
“Why don’t you tell me then? Don’t you trust me?” she asked solemnly.
“You can’t give me those answers, dear. I know. You didn’t believe me yesterday either. I mean I’m losing myself. I can’t discern between reality and dream anymore. It all seems seamless to me. Even time seems to be going round and round in an endless cycle.”
“But you never mentioned any dream yesterday? What are you talking about?”
Asad pushed away from Alizah. He had to put an end to the confusion that was mounting in his mind. He grabbed the car keys and walked off, leaving her sobbing on the floor. He felt miserable for making her cry. But then nothing was making sense. “Am I still dreaming?” he thought out loud. He headed out for the only place in mind where he felt that he would find some answers – at the hospital where the ‘other’ Asad Tahir was admitted.
*
645A. He was standing outside his room. Asad took a deep breath, held up his hand to knock on the door and then paused. ‘What will I ask him?’ he thought. For a while Asad just stood there before the door. He then knocked. No reply. He knocked again. No one stirred in the room. He tried the knob and it turned. Asad walked in and was met with the sound of mechanical whirring and tweeting. There were several machines monitoring the patient’s status and keeping him on life support.
No one else was in the room. He looked around and once again had a feeling of déjà vu. The room looked familiar. He had seen those blank, grey walls before. Even the sounds were familiar. He walked towards the patient to get a closer look at his face.
It was the same livid face he had seen in the bathroom mirror. The same face in the black car. The same face when he was young. It was badly bruised and although his eyelids were closed, Asad could notice that his eyes were furtively moving underneath. He seemed to be unconscious. Asad sat down on the chair next to him and leaned against the boy’s shoulder: his own shoulder. He closed his eyes. He could hear things… he was starting to recall the past… but it was all still vague and muddled.
He strained his mind, trying to pin down his thoughts. He thought of the boat ride… he thought of the white cow… he thought of Hill Drive… he thought of her… Aliyah. And then everything began to make sense; it was like jigsaws falling into place, forming the complete picture. He remembered them in the car at night. He remembered them fighting. He remembered having gone in a fury and driving rashly. He remembered her begging him to slow down. He remembered looking at her and smiling at her… and her smiling back. He remembered her screaming out loud. He remembered seeing the white cow standing in the middle of the road. He remembered hitting the brakes. He remembered the car swerving out of control. He remembered tearing through the barrier. He remembered seeing the stars as the car soared in midair. He remembered plummeting to the ground. He remembered her screaming and crying. He remembered screaming to her that he loved her. He remembered the windshield shattering. He remembered.
The machines were still making their noise, monitoring his status. Asad opened his eyes. The light stung him and he squinted. To his left was a man leaning on his shoulder. It was his dad. His mother was sitting on a chair behind him, eyeing the monitors grimly. A nurse stood to his right administering some medicine into his bloodstream. Asad tried to speak but his mouth was covered with the oxygen mask that was aiding him in breathing. He could barely feel the life in his limbs. But he had only one thing on his mind and he had to know.
He shrugged his shoulder softly and his father looked up, tears flowing from his eyes.
“Oh my God! He’s awake! He’s awake!” he said joyously.
Asad’s mother looked at him and sprang off her chair.
“Asad! she exclaimed as she kissed his hand. The nurse beckoned them to calm down so as not to frighten the disoriented patient. But he was far from disoriented. He knew what he wanted to ask. He gestured towards the mask, and the nurse pulled it off. Asad looked towards his parents. They were both disheveled but their expression showed that they were glad of his apparent and miraculous recovery.
“A… Al… Aliyah…” he murmured to them.
“What are you saying son? What are you saying?” his father moved closer to hear him more clearly.
“Where… is… Aliyah?” Asad could barely speak. His voice was choking him, as if something was stuck in his throat. A tear involuntarily trickled down his cheek.
His parents looked at each other and then at him. He looked at his father who had turned the other way. Imploringly he looked up towards his mother, in whose eyes tears were gradually forming. She stammered, “Aliyah… didn’t make it. She… died in the crash.” And then she broke into tears. She covered her mouth with her hand and sat down on the edge of the bed.
Asad’s heart froze. He looked away, staring at the blank ceiling above. He noticed the fan idly whirring around its focal point. His vision began to become misty; he could feel the tears welling up in his eyes, flowing down his bruised face. He loved her so much. He wanted to be with her. But now she was gone; because of him.
The pain coursing through his body was suffocating him; he choked and gasped for breath as he continued to cry his heart out. He felt his entire body sinking… deeper and deeper into a void of depression and loneliness. The machines beside him were sobbing as well, testimony of his own pain and suffering. He could hear the cardiograph’s persistent beeping.
But the sound gradually began to diminish. The world around him was fading away; the blank, grey walls amalgamating with the idly whirring fan… with the floor… with the chairs… the bed… his parents… the nurse… the life support machines… the sounds… everything was fusing into a unity leaving behind a vague desolation… a serene blankness that promised only loneliness.
As Asad wept profusely, his eyes reddening, he noticed a girl appear at the doorway. Compared to the serene background, she radiated like an incandescent light paving the way for him, through the darkness of shadow and doubt. It was Aliyah. Asad began to choke as his weeping became more pronounced.
“Why are you crying?” she asked with concern in her eyes. “Please don’t cry. I’m right here.”
She moved over towards him and kissed his forehead. Asad looked at her. She looked even more divine and beautiful than ever.
“Please forgive me! Don’t leave my side!” Asad cried out.
“I’m not going anywhere without you,” she said assuredly. “I want you to come with me. Come back with me.”
As she embraced him, Asad felt solace seeping into him. He calmed down and through still-reddened eyes he looked at the face that used to captivate his heart.
“This isn’t real, is it? This is also a dream” he asked her, her face clasped in between his hands.
“That is for you to decide. What is there that differentiates illusion from reality? A dream to us is real until we awaken from it. But what helps us ascertain that the world we awaken to is real as well? How do we know that we are still not dreaming?”
She then leaned down and whispered in his ear, “We choose our own reality.”
Asad heaved a sigh. He wanted to see her again. He wanted to see the beautiful smile that filled him with ecstasy. He wanted to kiss those lips. He wanted to caress her. He wanted to sleep with her in his arms. He desired to be with her. But then he would be deceiving himself. The dream would be his… he would be god of his world… but everything in it would also merely be a fabrication of his own imagination. It would all be a lie – a grand lie to deceive himself.
As if reading his mind, Aliyah held his hand and began, “It might all be an illusion fabricated by you… but I will be who you knew me to be… I shall always live on in your memory… and this way you will be giving life… to me.”
A tear trickled down her cheek and dropped on his hand. Its warmth tickled him. He wiped the tears off her soft cheeks, and looked her in the eye.
“I have always loved you… and will always love you… to whatever end.”
“To whatever end,” she whispered back.
She smiled at him… and he smiled back. And then holding her hand tightly, he left with her… to awaken with her in his arms once again.
